There are more than 15, but I didn’t want to go that deep. When I started thinking about this, I didn’t think I would come up with very many. Just these are a little surprising. Hadn’t really thought about this before.
I don’t feel scared or fearful. I’m not living a fearful existence. I hope I’m living in awareness.
Here are some of mine. Please feel free to share any you may have.
- Coming on too strong
- Life without Paul
- Forgetting my favorite memories
- Having a long illness before I die
- Accidentally offending someone
- Losing my vision
- Not being good enough
- Getting emotionally or physically hurt
- The future
- Getting lost
- Another hospitalization
- Disappointing someone
- Driving on interstates
- Medical doctor visits
I culled some of these from Odyssey Online. She had 100 listed so you know I didn’t borrow a bunch. http://www.TheOdysseyOnline.com
Here are some thoughts:
Who is at ease when confrontation or conflict make a visit? I’m in over my head in seconds. It seems to happen so quickly.
Why can’t I pause those three or four seconds the professionals tell me to in order to prevent this feeling from escalating?
It happens at the grocery store, a restaurant, the vet’s office, the phone. Just wherever people are. I’m no different.
If I am next in line and have been waiting a bit and the person behind the counter helps someone who just walked in, I mention I believe I was here first. Things like that haven’t escalated, but I can see that could be a possibility.
But these encounters, though I don’t experience them often, seem to start in a flash — especially road rage.
People are emboldened these days. I think now you can walk around with a concealed weapon without a permit. Yikes! Please tell me it ain’t so, Joe.
I certainly am not walking into a bar — actually don’t do that anyway. I don’t think alcohol and guns are a good combination. Retail stores and malls are becoming scary places. And unbelievably, places of worship.
Bullies are everywhere seems like. Don’t know if they’re packing heat. Don’t want to find out.
So, yes, I’m scared of confrontation/conflict. I have few issues with this on a personal level. Of course, it happens.
I’ve gotten better, not perfect, at handling those situations. It’s nice to talk things out and both sides agree to forgive and hopefully at some point forget.
It’s a truce — one of my sisters-in-law introduced this technique to me over 30 years ago. I like it. Great way to solve conflict.
Forgetting My Favorite Memories
It’s true. Memories fade. I’m trying to hold on, but can feel them slipping away.
First to mind is My Bruno. I am doing my darnedest to feel him with me every day. And he is. Of course, I know there’s more going on about Bruno than just being a cat.
It was our friendship and our love. He was there for me through several big life experiences. I can’t let him go. I don’t want to. He represents so much to me emotionally. I need him.
I can’t explain it. It just is. And when some of you read this, you may be saying to yourself, “get a grip already.” That makes sense.
Fading Memories I Don’t Want to Lose
- The day Paul and I were married at the Cobb County Magistrate Court
- Our first date at Good Old Days on Roswell Road in Sandy Springs where they served flowerpot sandwiches
- Moving day into our house
- Good feelings I have about my mother
- Kindnesses given and shown by Andy Scott
- The concert Paul and I went to at Lanierland to see Randy Travis. We debated whether we should pay $12 each for a ticket. Glad we did.
- The way my cousin Jimmy loved me and knowing he would do anything he could for me if I were in need
- Memories of my dad when I was a child
- Good times with my family
- Good times with Paul’s family
- … and so many more
Life Without Paul
Not even going there.
Not Being Good Enough
I wonder. Am I alone in having this fear? I have this feeling every so often. And so what if it’s there sometimes? No big deal. I get over it and move on. It’s not my default.
But still, I don’t like feeling inferior. It scares me. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. A little vulnerability is good, but I don’t want to be naive to my detriment. I’m afraid that’s what could happen.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this. I mean, do you ever feel kind of like that? Is Mrs. Roosevelt right?
Medical Doctor Visits
It reminds me of Bruno. For years we took him to the vet for his annual exam. As he began to age, we were still taking him for his check-ups.
One day on the way to the vet, I remarked to Paul that one of these times they would find something not right about Bruno.
I’m no different. As I continue to get physicals as I age, they’re going to start finding ”stuff” wrong with me. It’s happening already. I think I’m too young for this — how can I already be sliding down the slope?
I’m scared to go to the doctor now for fear they will find something new. I didn’t used to feel this way. The good thing is I like my doctors and think they are good at what they do and know. You may feel the same way.
A well-respected friend, whose opinion I value, used to bring to my attention something he had come up with. Half the doctors finish in the bottom half of the class. Take it for what it’s worth.
Losing My Vision
Now this one really haunts me. I don’t think I can begin to imagine how things would be affected.
Naturally, my first thought is no more reading. The upside is now there’s Audible. But now that I contemplate it, it would be so much more.
No driving. No children’s faces. No flowers. No seeing Paul’s face as we age together. No more walks in the neighborhood I love.
Oddly enough, I think I could still lift some weights, but I could no longer walk there on my own. My independence would be shattered. That’s what’s scarey.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, nothing big or life-threatening. I have the teeniest, tiniest, barely perceptible beginnings of macular degeneration.
So early it won’t even begin to start to be dealt with for 10-15 years. I might not even be walking the planet by then.
So, please have your yearly eye exam.
The doctor says I won’t go blind. That’s a big relief! There are two kinds of AMD: wet and dry.
I’m fine with this. The old body is going to change. Out of my control. I’m good.
Coming on Too Strong
This is something I’m usually concerned with when I’m around anyone other than just me. I feel like a little of me goes a long way. Any more, and people are ready to drive off a cliff.
I so admire a person who is calm and at ease and has economy with words. I’m the type who gives a bow-wow when a bow would do. My dad was like that. They used to call it the gift of gab. I think I inherited it.
One of my half-brothers, Larry, had it as well. However, Larry was a fast talker so you had to pay really close attention. My dad and Larry were wonderful and kind. I’m not speaking ill of them. I just think I’m the female version.
This blog is proof. I’m a talker. I mentioned here before that a therapist once told me I don’t talk too much, ”You’re just expressive.”
So, I am afraid of coming on too strong — more in person than on paper. I say enough here — I stay within a word count.
Maybe I can reign it in a bit (I do try), but that would be a major personality correction. I don’t think I’m up to the task. As badly as I want it, I’ll never be a calm and fairly quiet human being.
I think this is the appropriate note to end on. Darn straight — I’m scared of the future. The future contains the end. OMG! It always has. Nothing new here.
There’s a lot of life yet to be had. Enjoying grandchildren, great-grandchildren. Graduations. Weddings. Maybe marriage … and more.
I’m really savoring the peace and quiet and calmness that have come with retirement. The rat race was too much.
I don’t know exactly what about the future scares me. I think it’s just the fear of the unknown, probably. That seems reasonable.
So far, from young adulthood onward, most things have been unknown and have turned out okay. Why should I expect anything different now? No crystal ball.
Seriously though, I am scared about my eyes (maybe a phobia). Just checked: the word is ”ommetaphobia.” It is likely a symptom of anxiety. That fits. So, if this is the only thing I’m fearful about in the future, I’ll be okey-dokey.
So, “Here’s looking at you, kid!”
Thank you so much for reading. Thank you for your support, too. Would love to hear from you!