Going deep, you say? Yes, exactly. I’m not talking scuba diving or freediving. I’m talking ”small talk” and ”deep talk.”
I mean like really getting to know someone. To some extent, I don’t really ”know” some of my friends and family, and they don’t really “know” me. Not a big deal, but for me it is food for thought.
Deep conversation is how we develop friendships. It’s how we choose a mate.
To be honest, I don’t need to know friends and family bone deep, but I do wish I knew them better.
Even if I wanted to, it’s impossible to know another human being through and through.
How did I arrive here?
First, it happened the other day when I was at the gym doing my workout under Lisa’s tutelage.
Thankfully, she keeps me moving or otherwise I’d be standing there jibbering my head off for my allotted 45 minutes.
You know, you just can’t go deep with everyone about work, family, personal matters, politics or religion, etc. That’s perfectly okay and understandable.
I can talk with this friend but if I want to talk about this topic, I’ll have to talk to another friend.
I don’t think there are too many places Lisa and I can’t go. We’re still going. Things just pop up. We each speak our minds and make ourselves vulnerable.
So anyway, back to that day at the gym. We had gone particularly deep. I left feeling understood and accepted with a sense of belonging — to what I’m not sure.
I ended up laughing and crying simultaneously — your brain is emotionally confused, I think.
I love when this happens, but it is so rare and you don’t see it coming.
Lisa wasn’t just standing there like a lump of coal. She was laughing hilariously like I was.
What got us going is I mentioned a book I had read recently.
It is a memoir. I love reading those. A good memoir goes deep. The name of the book is The Beauty of Dusk by Frank Bruni.
Mr. Bruni is a journalist formerly with the New York Times. He has authored other books.
He had a stroke which caused him to lose a good amount of vision in his right eye. He was in his mid 50s.
There is the possibility of this happening at some unknown point in his left eye. The book takes us on his new journey with low vision.
He shares stories of people he meets while going through this life-changing experience.
One thing he mentions is how we hardly know each other. We’re guarded. We’re shy about letting others know who we are.
He may have been talking about sharing medical situations. I also interpret it to mean nonmedical — just everyday life and love happenings.
I know we all have our limits, but I usually feel better when I put myself in the vulnerable zone. I don’t feel so uptight. It feels good just to let it ride.
I feel liberated with a new openness in my step. I want people to be familiar with me. I want to be familiar with others.
Why be shy? We are social animals. Still, I know not everyone is hip to being vulnerable. Not one thing wrong with that. Definitely not uncommon. Like exercise, it’s not for everyone.
In preparing this post, I came across an article, Deep Conversations Make Us Happier, Lead to Stronger Bonds. https://discovermagazine.com
Amit Kumar, assistant professor at The University of Texas at Austin, was a co-author of the study entitled, Overtly Shallow? Miscalibrated Expectations Create a Barrier to Deeper Conversations.
Some of the things researched include:
- What is deep talk and what makes it deep?
- Why is it that we stick to surface-level topics when we don’t know someone well?
- What happens when we throw caution to the wind and have intimate conversations with strangers?
- How do we overcome our ”miscalibrated expectations?”
- Many people are averse to entering into a dialogue with a stranger at all, be it ”small talk” or ”deep talk.” Should they engage in small talk rather than avoid those conversations altogether?
- If intimate conversations were the norm, would the world be a better place?
Deep conversations consist of self-disclosure, including what you’re thinking, feeling, and experiencing, and what your beliefs are.
The study found that we underestimate the positivity of deeper, more meaningful and more intimate conversations.
As a general rule, people do care about what we say, even if it might feel awkward.
Deep conversations lead to stronger bonds, more liking, and greater happiness than people anticipate.
I didn’t see it covered in the study, but I believe there are a couple of reasons we are hesitant to open up: 1) fear of being judged; and, 2) afraid of being criticized for the way we feel about something.
Currently, I am reading The Goldfinch, by Donna Tartt. In the beginning pages, the protagonist, 13-year-old Theo, gives an explanation as to why he enjoys entering homes with his friend.
His friend’s mother has the keys — she’s in real estate. He says it is not really B&E because they have keys.
“I was fascinated by strangers, wanted to know what food they ate and what dishes they ate it from, what movies they watched and what music they listened to, wanted to look under their beds and in their secret drawers and night tables and inside their coats.”
Theo seems he would enjoy deep conversations if given the chance. So, here you go, Theo . . .
I like bean and pasta salads, chicken salad, scrambled eggs with raisin bread, chocolate mini doughnuts and cereals (right now my favorite is Chocolate Chex). I enjoy spoon-sized shredded wheat with banana.
I like blueberry bagels with Nuts ’n More chocolate maple pretzel protein peanut spread. If this flavor is unavailable, I get salted caramel. Rarely, I’ll have a Lean Cuisine. I enjoy artichoke quiche. Pizza.
I eat a lot of fruit but not many vegetables. I eat watermelon galore and a variety of fruit bowls from Publix.
We use our china on which to eat — otherwise it would never be used.
I’m not much of a movie watcher these days. I have trouble staying focused and relatively still. However, I think I could watch Planes,Trains & Automobiles 24/7.
I remember enjoying Mrs. Dalloway and Reds. And, of course, Brian’s Song.
Of late, I am chillin on Amazon Prime Music. Simon and Garfunkel, Carol King’s Tapestry. Early to mid Dylan. The oldies.
One of my most favorite songs is Girl Crush by Little Big Town. I enjoy Randy Travis, Willie Nelson, and Waylon Jennings.
Also in my repertoire is George The Possum Jones. I particularly enjoy George and Tammy Wynette duets. I enjoy duets in general. Ed Sheeran and Beyonce.
Childhood memories of eating out breakfasts with my dad in Eminence with country playing on the jukebox are special remembrances.
Under my bed are years and years’ worth of cat calendars and other miscellaneous calendars. I hoard good photography.
Also under here is a weighted exercise vest, a HP scanner, shoe boxes, a box of buttons, and an aqua-color yoga mat.
I have no secret drawers.
Only have winter coats. Usually gloves are in the pockets, maybe some kibble for the dogs. I may have a wool headband in my pocket to cover my ears when I go on cold walks.
This is probably more than Theo might have wanted to know. However, now he knows me better than he did just a little bit ago.
So, what’s under your bed?
Thank you for reading. It would be great to know you a little better. Don’t be shy — share yourself in comments!
Information also obtained from: http://www.symptomsofliving.com